Chapter 43
REED
The words tasted like poison in my mouth.
“You’re nothing to me. You were nothing before. You’re nothing now, and you’ll always be nothing p>
Even as I said them, I wanted to take them back. I wanted to swallow every cruel syllable and tell Asher the truth instead but the truth was dangerous.
The truth was that I’d spent three days in the wilderness watching him fight and bleed and survive, and somewhere between the first rogue attack and that moment by the fire, everything had shifted. The hatred I’d clung to for so long had cracked open, and underneath it was something terrifying. It had slowly turned into want, need, desires, hunger, passion, and something that felt dangerously close to—
No.
I couldn’t let myself think about it, I couldn’t let myself feel it so I stood there in the middle of the cafeteria with every eye on us, and I destroyed him publicly, and brutally because if I didn’t reassert the boundaries now, if I didn’t remind everyone—remind myself that Asher Graham was my enemy, then I’d never be able to stop myself from crossing the line I’d almost crossed last night.
“Understood?” I asked.
Asher stared at me, waiting and hoping for something I couldn’t give him.
“Yeah,” he said finally, his voice breaking. “Understood p>
He turned and walked out, and the cafeteria erupted in whispers immediately. I could feel Callum staring at me, I could feel the weight of everyone’s attention.
“That was harsh, man,” Callum said quietly. “Even for you p>
“He needed to know where he stands.” I told him and he scoffed.
“Did he? Or did you just need everyone else to think you still hate him?” He asked, and I turned on Callum, anger flaring hot in my chest.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” I asked. My tone is rising.
Callum held up his hands. “Nothing, forget I said anything p>
But I couldn’t forget because he had seen through me, he had seen what I was trying so desperately to hide.
I sat down at the table, but I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t focus on the conversations happening around me. All I could think about was the look on Asher’s face. The hurt, the betrayal like I’d reached into his chest and ripped his heart out with my bare hands.
“Stop looking at me like I hurt you,” I’d wanted to scream at him. “Stop making me feel like a monster for doing what I have to do p>
But I was a monster and I’d just proven it.
Five minutes passed, then ten, and the guilt was eating me alive.
“I’ll be right back,” I muttered, pushing away from the table, and Callum raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything.
I found Asher outside on a bench, his whole body shaking. His face was in his hands. His shoulders were heaving, and he was crying because of me. Something in my chest shattered.
I approached slowly, my footsteps loud against the pavement, and Asher looked up. His eyes were red and devastated.
“What do you want?” His voice was hollow. Empty.
I opened my mouth and closed it immediately. What the fuck was I supposed to say?
“I need you to understand p>
“I understand perfectly.” He stood up, his legs wobbling. “You made yourself very clear in there p>
“Asher p>
“Don’t.” The word was harsh. Sharp. “Don’t pretend you meant something else. Don’t act like that wasn’t exactly what you wanted to say p>
But it wasn’t what I wanted to say. It was what I needed to say. There was a difference. A difference I couldn’t explain without admitting everything.
“You don’t know what I want,” I said, my voice rough.
“Yes, I do.” Asher’s voice was rising, breaking. “You want me to know my place. You want everyone to know that nothing has changed, and that you’re still the big bad Alpha and I’m still your enemy p>
“That’s not p>
“Then what is it, Reed?” He was yelling now with tears streaming down his face. “What the fuck is it? Because one minute you’re telling me you’re tired of hating me, and the next you’re calling me nothing in front of the entire Academy p>
I wanted to tell him, I wanted to explain that I’d done it because I was tired of hating him because the alternative—letting myself care about him, letting myself want him—was too dangerous, and impossible.
“I had to—” I started.
“You had to do what? Humiliate me? Prove your dominance?” His eyes were wild with pain. “You chose to hurt me, just like you always do p>
“Stop,” I said, my voice coming out rougher than I intended.
“Stop what p>
“Stop looking at me like I hurt you p>
Because I couldn’t take it, I couldn’t stand seeing the evidence of what I’d done written all over his face. The words hung between us like a confession.
“You did hurt me,” Asher said quietly, his voice breaking completely. “You keep hurting me over and over and I keep letting you because I’m stupid enough to think that maybe p>
He stopped, and I swallowed hard, my heart was pounding.
“Maybe what?” I asked, hoping he would say something that could break me and maybe open up to what’s eating me.
“Nothing.” He wiped his eyes roughly. “It doesn’t matter.” He said and I shattered.
“Asher p>
“Leave me alone, Reed.” His voice shattered on my name. “Please, just leave me alone p>
I stood there, frozen. Every instinct in my body was screaming at me to reach for him, to pull him close, to tell him I was sorry, and to tell him the truth but I couldn’t.
If I touched him now, I’d never be able to let go. So I turned and walked away, each step felt like tearing myself in half.
Behind me, I could feel Asher watching me go, I could feel the weight of everything unsaid between us. I’d done the right thing. I’d protected us both so why did it feel like I’d just made the worst mistake of my life?
Back in my dorm, I punched the wall hard enough to split my knuckles open. The pain didn’t help, nothing could help because Asher’s voice kept echoing in my head: “You keep hurting me over and over p>
He was right, I did keep hurting him, and the worst part? I didn’t know how to stop because the only alternative was admitting what I felt, and that admission would destroy everything.
So I’d keep hurting him, keep pushing him away, and keep pretending I didn’t care. Even if it killed me, even if it killed us both.